It was all I could do to watch the clouds go by. Lying in bed with no energy to listen to the radio, watch TV or read, I was glad of a windy day to see some movement in the sky. Walking the ten steps to the toilet was enough to leave me exhausted and I would collapse on the bed when I got back. I was alone, I was lonely and I wept buckets.
It had all started in early 2004 when I got up one morning and realised I could hardly stand. I promptly fell back on the bed and realised my health had gone off a cliff. The Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (or M.E.)1 which I thought I’d left behind had returned, this time with a sledgehammer. Not understanding how to manage the condition, my health got worse and worse until I was bed-bound.
At My Lowest Ebb
And it was then, when I found myself at my lowest ebb, that the turning point came. I got fed up feeling sorry for myself and realised I had to do something positive, otherwise I could end up like so many people with M.E./C.F.S. and be bed bound for the rest of my life.
It was the first time I can remember asking myself, “What can I do about it?”
So I reached for the pen and paper next to my bed and started writing down as many things as I could which might help me. They ranged from getting a flask of tea in the room to contacting a friend of a friend who also had M.E. And it was the latter which set off a chain of events which got me onto a treatment programme which is still helping me today.
Taking Back Control
What was very, very interesting thing for me though, was that just writing those things down made me feel better. I remember how my mood lifted significantly. Suddenly, I had hope, I had purpose, I had a future. In a small way, I had taken back control over my illness and it put me in a more resourceful state to look for further solutions and take action to propel me forward.
“What can I do about it?” (W.C.I.D.A.I. or Wacky Dai) were the words which changed my life. But the more I’ve looked into it, the more I’ve realised that this idea of taking responsibility for one’s future, of taking back control of an overwhelming situation, of choosing one’s response to unexpected and sometimes awful events, has been used since the beginning of time and all over the world. I just came late to the party!
Stoic Wisdom
As far back as Roman times, the Stoics were able to say:
“The chief task in life is simply this: to identify and separate matters so that I can say clearly to myself which are externals not under my control, and which have to do with the choices I actually control.
Epictetus, Discourses, 2.5.4–5
Powerful v. Powerless
More recently (like about 2,000 years more recently), in his famous work “Who Moved My Cheese?”2, Spencer Johnson tells the tale of two little people and two mice who all live in a maze and all live from the same cheese store. One day the cheese is no longer there and the little people respond with helplessness and blame. They want someone else to fix things, they feel sorry for themselves and become victims. For a long time they don’t do anything to improve their situation because it’s up to someone else to improve their situation for them.
How often do we respond to events in the same way? It’s up to
- my partner to make me feel better.
- my company to always keep me in work.
- the government to maintain my standard of living.
By responding like this, we are making ourselves victims and rendering ourselves powerless. But by seeking to create or control a situation we make ourselves powerful.
So how could we approach things better?
In Control
My mother had the following prayer on our wall when we were growing up. However, it was only in adulthood that I realised the life-changing potential of its message.
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Reinhold Niebuhr
Alcoholics Anonymous use it as a guiding philosophy and you can see why. For people in difficulties of whatever kind it is a sound principle to focus on what is within our power to change rather than what is not. The reason is simple.
We often feel overwhelmed by our problems and feel that our life is out of control. However, we can start to lighten our load and feel better by consciously making a decision to focus on what we can change. That way we will take back some control of our situation.
Simple Five Minute Task
- Whatever life challenge you are currently facing, take a pen and an A4 piece of paper. Give the page a heading of the situation you are in e.g. “I Hate Being Unemployed”.
- 2. Below the heading, draw a line vertically down the middle of the page so you have two nice columns. Title one column “The Things I Cannot Change” and the second, “The Things I Can Change”.
- 3. Make a list in each one.
Dai says, “Invest in a Wacky Dai notebook to record all your thoughts and action points from this blog. It’ll be very interesting for you to go over it at a later date to read how much you have changed and grown.“
You may find it hard to complete these columns to begin with, especially if you have been feeling powerless for so long. You may have lost the ability to differentiate between the two columns. If so, asking for advice from a good friend or family member may help. Or just leave the list where you can see it, go away to do something else and let your unconscious mind give you some answers when you’re ready.
Certainties of Life
There are only three certainties in life: death, taxes and shit happening Share on XThere are only three certainties in life (death, taxes and shit happening), so even if you’re not currently going through a challenging situation, at some point you will be. And that, when everything is beginning to overwhelm you, is when you will really benefit from focussing on what is within your control.
Thank you for reading and I sincerely hope that this little exercise represents a turning point for you in your life as it was for me in 2004.
Next Week
If you’re still finding it hard, next week’s article about how a kidnapped journalist took back control of aspects of his situation, will perhaps give you inspiration of how there are always things we can change, even in unimaginable circumstances. Subscribe to the Wacky Dai email to make sure you don’t miss it.
If you learned something from this article then I’d be delighted to read your comments below and please share it on social media using the buttons below so that others can learn from it too.
- If you’re not familiar with the illness here’s a definition courtesy of the fantastic charity Action for M.E.
- Spencer Johnson; Who Moved My Cheese; Vermilion 1999