Resilience is a very fashionable concept at present – how people and organizations learn to bounce back from adversity. In the post-economic crisis world, how can the economy get back to old levels of productivity and growth? How can public sector organizations meet the needs of their service users and clients with ever-reducing budgets and numbers of people?
The same applies to human beings of course. When we endure hardship, do we ever get back to normal? Can we still be the same person we were before?
Bounce Back
Resilience to me conjurs up an image of a rock in the sea. Steadfast. Unyielding. No matter what the elements throw at it, it remains the same. The word resilience to me suggests that despite what misfortune happens to us, we are expected to bounce back to how we were before.
What if there is another possibility?
What if we can change? What if our adversity offers us opportunities we never had before? What if life is better, maybe richer, for the experience we have had?
“We are marked, of course, by a challenge, whether physically, emotionally or both and I’m going to suggest that this is a good thing. Adversity isn’t an obstacle that we need to get around in order to resume living our life. It’s part of our life.”1Aimee Mullins, TED Talk 2009
Now, why would all the possible hardships we can endure ever be classed as good? Is that not belittling someone’s trauma?
Real Pain
Personally, I would never suggest to someone with a terminal illness or someone who’s just lost their loved ones that a good thing has happened. If someone in that position were to invite me to share their pain and ask me, then I would say that their trauma is real, huge and extremely personal.
I would also say, if asked, that their pain can be the source of growth. A new branch of positive psychology is looking at the whole area of post-traumatic growth and Dr Stephen Joseph’s book called “What Doesn’t Kill Us – The New Psychology of Post-Traumatic Growth”2 is an excellent introduction to the subject. He likens the process of trauma to a forest fire: immensely destructive but which eventually brings new life to the forest.
New Growth
Of course, this kind of growth doesn’t happen just like that. The battle through emotional and physical pain can take many years and eventually be an unsuccessful one.
What we are talking about here is light at the end of the tunnel, that maybe there is life after a crisis. This isn’t just about positive thinking or actions (although without them growth is unlikely to happen) but it is possible that with a huge amount of work and commitment, new growth can emerge.
Someone I admire hugely is Simon Weston3, the Falklands War veteran who suffered 46% burns on the Sir Galahad in 1982. He suffered immensely in the aftermath of his war experiences but has now built a multi-faceted life as a speaker, writer, broadcaster, charity worker, campaigner and business owner. Would he have had this life without his experiences? He suggests that probably wouldn’t have happened as one of his central messages in his work is “to not only accept what is but turn it to your advantage”, something he seems to have done in spades.
Not only accept what is but turn it to your advantage
Simon Weston
Physically Inactive
While I was physically inactive for many years as the result of long spells of M.E. there was the opportunity for me to grow massively in that time. My life now has a whole new vista as I find myself now able to
- much better understand other people’s trials
- give and receive love in different ways than before
- summon up reserves of determination which I didn’t realise existed
- programme my mind to a level of positivity which I hope will serve me well in the future.
Relationship
Perhaps the most significant growth though has come in my marriage, where the trying circumstances of my illness have tested the strength of my most important relationship to the limit.
After I recovered from a very long spell of illness in 2008, I was so overjoyed at having my life back that I didn’t stop to think that my wife and family wanted their lives back too.
While I was busy making plans for the rest of my life, they needed some reassurance that I had resumed the role of the primary carer and home-maker so that the burden placed on them while I had been so ill had now been lifted.
I failed to give them that reassurance and so tension, friction and resentment grew. It affected the whole family and contributed to my becoming ill again.
After recently recovering from another phase of my illness, I can see that this time my marriage and our family are growing stronger (though the effects can still be felt quite intensely) and that the last seven years of strain for our family have had a positive outcome.
Opinion
Aimee Mullins’s assertion that adversity isn’t an obstacle to get round in order to resume a normal life is absolutely right. I believe that she’s also right that adversity leaves its mark and that this can be a good thing. Adversity is change and we can make that change a positive one.
New life, growth and a whole new perspective on life are possible. That isn’t just theory. It is happening and it makes life richer and deeper than ever before. Even while the forest is still smouldering in some parts, seeds are beginning to grow in others. Once we recognize that fact, we can nurture those seeds and prepare for the new life of the future.
Task
This is very much a thinking task. I’m challenging you to think of whatever change, challenge or crisis you may be going through as an opportunity for growth. You may be uncomfortable with that idea, especially if your adversity involves a terminal illness or a bereavement. I can well understand if in that case, you may not want to perform this task.
For those of you who want to do the task, use your Wacky Dai notebook, to jot down some ideas on
- how you think your life will have changed as a result of your difficulties
- how those changes could have a positive impact on your life in the future
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Next Week
How This Woman Changed Her Life After A Huge Blow
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Please note:
this blog post is for information purposes only and should not be regarded as a
substitute for counselling or other psychotherapy. If you feel you are troubled
in a way discussed in this post then please consult your General Medical
Practitioner.
- https://www.ted.com/talks/aimee_mullins_the_opportunity_of_adversity.
- Stephen Joseph PhD; What Doesn’t Kill Us; Basic Books 2013.
- https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Simon_Weston.
Really helpful post, Pete. I am going to start adding to my notebook now, a really positive start to the week ahead.
Glad you find it helpful Pat. Thanks for commenting.