How Your Identity Can Help You Thrive In Adversity

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“Yeah, But That’s Not Real Running.”

It’s amazing how someone can say one thing and your brain translates it into something else.

It was a conversation I was having with a friend of a friend about running. I knew he was a runner and I was asking him about how often he got out and which routes he’d been on recently. I then mentioned I’d been doing the local Park Run¹ in our area. (A Park Run is always 5km.)

“Yeah, but I do ten milers and train for marathons,” he rejoined. The response took me aback. For one thing, it seemed to be a bit of a conversation stopper. Secondly, he seemed to be saying that Park Runs weren’t real running and therefore I wasn’t a real runner.

An Accidental Identity

The thing was, I thought I was a real runner. I’d started running in April 2017 to help me get fit again after years of illness. I followed the Couch to 5K app from the NHS and after managing to achieve that goal I immediately set myself another – to run my first ever 10K race in September of that year, a feat I also accomplished. I ran consistently from then on until injury stopped me in January 2019 (I’m still trying to get back to it). The interesting thing was, that somewhere along the way, I began to see myself as a runner. It became my identity.

That was why the conversation stopper hit me. I hadn’t tried to become a runner as such. It just happened the more I ran. It became a core belief of mine, part of the story I told myself about myself. However it happens, when someone tells you you’re not who you think you are, it goes against the grain.

Of course, my conversational companion didn’t actually say anything like “that’s not real running”. What he was probably doing, was protecting his own identity as a runner. In his world, runners took it seriously, running for hours not just for 5km. To him Park Runners were probably just playing at it and if we were runners then he wasn’t. However, it was interesting the way both he and I interpreted the conversation. We probably both felt that our identities were under threat.

Multiple Identities

The story we tell ourselves about ourselves is always going to be important, especially when there are challenges in our lives.

If like me in 2004, when I became ill with the debilitating illness M.E. or Chronic Fatigue, you face a challenge which endangers your whole identity, then you will feel almost an existential threat.

Although I have talked about identity in the singular, it’s often easier to think about us having multiple identities², which we can change, lose and create. Sometimes that happens willingly, such as when we want to become a healthier person and pursue action which leads to a positive outcome and the identity we are seeking. Other times we may have identity-change forced upon us such as when we are made redundant from a job or even lose a whole career. Bereavement or divorce may lead to our identity of being a husband or wife in tatters.

Mental Conflict

I was faced with the loss of several identities when I became ill in 2004. I had core beliefs about myself as being active, fit and healthy. Suddenly it felt like I was a basket case.

I’d been a very proud, stay-at-home father of two young children but now I didn’t have the energy to do dad things. So was I still a dad? Maybe I was but not the one I had believed myself to be.

I’d become a school governor, contributing to school life and my local community and was a member of a local pub quiz team with some friends. I was a football fan, who went to lots of games. My Mum lived close by and I saw her twice a week.

I felt like I was someone who participated fully in society but suddenly I was left grieving for a life I had lost and for the person I used to be. Being ill and feeling marginalised was contrary to my identity. I was in mental conflict and it hurt.

However, there was one part of my identity which was about to kick in. It was a belief which only now, years later, I can see was essential to getting better.

Right at the core of me was an identity that I was someone who liked a challenge.

Dared To Do

There were so many times from being a young adult onwards, where I had dared to do things and been determined enough to see them through, usually resulting in the outcome I had been seeking. None more so than in 1991 when I emigrated to live in Germany for two years. I chose a German city to live where I knew no one, had nowhere to live, had no job and couldn’t string a sentence together in German. (I’m still working on why I actually did that!) But I flourished and that helped to further develop my personal narrative of being someone who thrived in testing circumstances.

After falling ill, things became interesting as I unconsciously started to develop a purpose based on my identity. My new purpose was to regain my former life and my former identities; to be the person again who I’d been previously. And it was my other identity of thriving under duress that I relied on to help me to rise to this new challenge and achieve the outcome I so badly wanted. I successfully returned to good health over 12 years later.

Different Kinds of Identity

An interesting question is what would have happened to me if I’d had a different identity? If I’d had a core belief about myself very different to the one above? Perhaps one of being a victim or a failure? Of being someone to whom bad things happened? I can only speculate of course but my feeling is that becoming ill would have only fed that narrative and a return to health would perhaps not have happened.

Unknown to me at that time (I’m not sure I really knew what an identity was back then), I’d created a new story about myself during my illness. By attempting to meet the challenge in front of me, I had learned more and more about resilience, the nature of adversity and how one can take back at least an element of control in any situation. I realised after a while that I had gained knowledge which could prove useful to many, many people. I’d begun to develop a new identity, of trainer, writer and coach and I realised that one day I would like to share the knowledge I had built up. It became a central purpose in my life, my guiding star and a powerful motivator to regain my health.

How To Create A New Identity

So, if you’re faced with a challenge, what’s the story you tell yourself about yourself? How, in your mind, do you approach challenges? If you are like me and know you thrive when tested, great. That core belief about yourself will serve you well.

However, if you are daunted by adversity, and have no evidence of how you have successfully negotiated testing situations in the past, what do you do? How do you develop a personal narrative that you’re someone who likes challenges and can thrive from them?

The answer is simple. Challenge yourself often. Start with something small, for example by trying a new recipe in the kitchen. Develop a new skill like growing plants from seed. Make setting yourself challenges a habit³ by doing something challenging every week. Note down what you learn from the experience and how you can improve next time you do it.⁴

Collecting Evidence

Success is key, so go for low-hanging fruit: challenges which are just outside your comfort zone. Successes will give you positive feedback that you cope well with challenges. When you succeed in the outcome you are seeking, excellent! Now, take the challenge to a slightly higher level next time.

If you don’t achieve the outcome you desire, don’t fret. Just ask yourself what you have learned and can use from the experience to help you with the next challenge.

The more you do this as a part of your routine and the more you are successful with these challenges, the more evidence you will collect that, yes, you are a person who thrives when challenged. And when major adversity comes to call, you will be ready and waiting.

Bring it on!

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Photo by Chinmay Singh

For further reading on creating a more positive identity and overcoming our inner critic, read this article on Psychology Today.

1. If you don’t know about Park Run then check this out.
2. Further reading: https://www.apa.org/science/about/psa/2019/07/multiple-identities.
3. The author James Clear argues that building habits is the best way to create a new identity.
4. Even if you’re not feeling especially challenged at the moment, sowing the seeds for the future is a very good idea.